31 days

Believe it or not, I enjoyed the 31 days project.

I didn't always enjoy being stretched to write & hit publish when I felt too busy, lacked ideas, & majorly questioned my ability to write/blog anything worth reading.

But the everyday-part really helped push me past that. Even when I missed about five days in a row, I had a choice to feel guilty or just realize I could start again at any time. I could just lean back into it, and so I did.

Probably the best part was that at the first of the month I was feeling hard-hearted and distant as far as faith was concerned, but the more I sat down each night to let myself think & pray, even if for just fifteen minutes, I was recharged. It's kind of like the AA adage: keep coming back, it works if you work it. :)

writing.

this year with clubs in the city, I’m a co-leader with our new communications club. we’re calling it Photography & Writing. perfect.

the best part this week was how they bore their hearts through writing. two of our girls really let loose and journaled what was going on in their hearts and lives. that’s it. that is the whole point.

It was an honor to listen to their precious words about what they fear and how they lean into and rely on God. One shared her heart about being kind to her family and loving even those that are unkind. We didn’t tell her to write that-

we asked-

• who/what defines you? 
• do you listen to what the world says or what God says? 
• how does that overflow to others? 
• will you tear others down or can/will you encourage them to listen to what God says is true about them too?

their sweet, honest responses blew me away and put the challenge back on me. who’s words or labels am I listening to and believing?

how does that affect the way I speak to or encourage others?

May we be reminded we are loved and cherished. we have great purpose and value. we don’t have to be defined by our peers or even ourselves, but we can let the one who made us call us good.

new favorite

photography is a sweet little gift to me. it's a joy and an expression that feels like play- hopefully it always will. I'm thankful it's something I've been able to do during track-outs and on some weekends. what a little treasure. ♥

{image from the weekend. more here.}

Time

As I attempted to write/blog everyday this month [on the topic of leaning in] - I ran into plenty of road blocks.

Even though most of the posts were under three sentences, it was going well for a while. And then I tracked back in at school and I'm finding it near impossible to make the time for writing. I say this with a little acceptance and a little more bummed-out-ness. (We're just going to go ahead and pretend that's a word:)

I'm not trying to write extravagantly or polish it so much that it takes a bunch of time. I'm simply aiming to be still long enough each day to let my thoughts and prayers spill out in the form of a short & sweet post.

I most like the habit of writing because, when it's a habit, things come out that wouldn't have if I hadn't taken the time to be still. Well, of course they do, but that's the dynamic that brings me back again and again.

So today is Monday, just a few days left for this prescribed writing project, and I'm going to attempt to lean in a little these last four days.

So here's to getting back on the wagon...

(Photo from this weekend. More to come.)

Busy

The busier I get the more I need to lean into rest and trust.

So thankful for these good, hard days. <3

Sermon notes-

These are just from the end of service- not at all complete, but such good things to think about.

1-What old baggage are you carrying around? // What sin/guilt are you still carrying?

2-What lies from the past are you still believing?

3-What events from the past are you still living?/ Things that you have done. Things that have been done to you.

4-What old realities still define you that shouldn't be? -they're about a person you no longer are.

The old life is buried in the grave.
(John 3- be reborn)

We see the affects of the wind, but we can't control it- it is the same with the spirit of God.

At this very moment he's healing marriages. At this very moment he is healing sinful minds.

"If you tarry till you're better, you will never come at all"

(Audio from the series here. It will be the most recent one from John 3.)

Friendship

These last several years we've walked together through the excellent and the tragic. Thankful for this friend. ♥

Prayer

Why do we get all pompous and anxious and stumble over ourselves in prayer? Why do we stare frozen at the windshield instead of enjoying the view it provides? 

We have total permission to communicate badly, to come as the mess that we are.
Permission to be small and ask for what we need as well as what we want.

Permission to be a son or daughter that is so dearly loved our Dad might just give us what we want because we were brave & humble enough to look up.

((This weekend Vintage is having a seminar with Paul Miller, the author if A Praying Life... Just a few thoughts from last night ♥))

People-pleasing

It's a trap always striving for others' approval.

I'm back to school today and I'm already feeling the stress of making our room and systems just right. I'm wishing I worked more days and nights over track-out and I'm worrying about how I'm perceived by colleges and those who know way more about Structured-Teaching than I do.

But I'm leaning into grace and hard work that I enjoy. I can enjoy it when it's honest and sincere, driven by love and a desire to make an excellent space for my students to learn and grow, so that's where I'll lean- away from people-pleasing & stress, into trust & rest amidst the hard work.

Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling,

with a sincere heart, as you would Christ,

not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers,

but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart,

rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man..

-Ephesians 6:5-8

Smallness

"I wonder if the ants know how small they are."

Random, but as the ridiculous words came out of my mouth yesterday, I was reminded of how small we are. Big cities, states, countries, the grandeur of an ocean, the faithful sunrise, the stars, planets and galaxies - beyond comprehendible. I can press into faith just by remembering I'm small, quite small. I can let the grandeur of it all amaze and even overwhelm me. ♥

Right now

Right now I'm leaning into faithfulness because writing & publishing every day is hard! -But it's one of those good-hard things and I'm determined to finish out the month. :)

((This is Baby A!  More here.♥))

Listening

Sometimes to lean into prayer I write out what I think God might be saying to me in a situation.

No "God said" claim here- just some heart thoughts as I tried to listen & trust Him before Clubs in the City yesterday.

You're here because I want you here, not need you here. The weight is on me. It's always on me. I'm the hero of the story and will remain the hero. I'm not asking you to save the day or carry the whole load. I am asking you to point to me, lean on me, and allow me to be your source- of inspiration, wisdom, and joy. I would love for you be my hands and feet and voice of love to these girls. You are a light in dark places and can help create safe places of nurture and peace, of growth and positive change. I'm glad you're here. Be not afraid. Lean into me and enjoy! <3

Birthdays & leaning into celebration

The older I get the more I find myself downplaying the birthdays- joking around about the number without actually revealing it, not mentioning it to the waiter or waitress when we go out, etc.

But the thing I've always loved about birthdays is that they're like mile-markers in life- like our own personal new year that feels like a thanksgiving. I love the self-inventory that happens in my mind & heart at the start of a new year. And I love the gratitude over all the abundance, for all the big and small things, that Thanksgivings bring. Birthdays foster these in ways that I anticipate, then get joyfully overwhelmed by.

Life isn't always kind, and it isn't always sweet. Some moments are so stifling and trying that joy feels an eternity away. But other times, especially celebratory ones, it's like all the good and sweet and savory moments come rushing over to say, 'Happy birthday! I'm glad you're alive!'

So on this birthday I found myself leaning into life and thankfulness and celebration- for all the goodness and richness and all the big and small ways we've been taken care of and provided for, for all the sweet and savory moments this year, as well as those we bawled through.

And here's to another year -more lovely and tough times, more rich and poor, more abundance and sacrifice. May we carry on with a heart of gratitude and childlike faith & joy that strengthens us when the days are long and the circumstances wearisome. And may we remember to pause and lean into celebration often, for it is certainly one of the sweetest mile-markers of all.

Little ones

There's just something about little ones! If we are willing to listen and learn from them, they will teach us much about life and how to approach it- honestly, fearlessly, unashamedly -with authenticity, candor, and faith. Children are natural believers, hopers, and dreamers. They're natural sinners, forgivers, and helpers too. They're pretty amazing teachers, and I'd be foolish not to lean into having faith like that- unhindered, unapologetic, and simply joyful.

Be quiet.

Sometimes leaning into faith for me is knowing when to be quiet. It's most uncomfortable when health and life and circumstances are out of our control, but it's the best time to practice leaning and trusting His goodness and provision.

Risk it

Sometimes I wonder if all this Bible talk sounds just plain crazy. And many times I'm sure it does. Usually I can't believe I believe it.

But have you read some of these words?

When Jesus was crucified:

[At that moment] the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split. The tombs also were opened. And many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised, and coming out of the tombs after his resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many. When the centurion and those who were with him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe and said, "Truly this was the Son of God!" 

(Matthew 27:51-54)

As our pastor says, we have be bold and humble enough to doubt our doubt.

Back then they performed crucifixions all the time and the earth never quaked & split in two. And the dead didn't usually rise out of graves to go knocking on doors. Until this time.

I'll have to agree withy the centurion, the executioner, who was there and saw it with his own eyes, "Truly this was the Son of God!" ♥

Knowledge

"The grass is greener where you water it." Right? Right.

So if I never nurture my soul it's just going to dry up like the grass in our yard in the heat of summer.

Leaning into faith means taking a little time to read :: to "know and believe the love God has for us" like I read yesterday in 1John.

Celebrating

Leaning involves embracing and celebrating the ones you love- not just on special days, but all the days in between.

Happy birthday, little girl. May you know how much I cherish you today and every day! <3

No judgement.

Leaning into love means laying aside judgement and giving others the loads of grace I know my own soul requires. It's not always easy; that's why we've got to lean into it.

((this is my neighbor's cute pup. he sat outside with me for a few minutes yesterday♥))

showing up...

This year I came back as teacher to my group of preschoolers who I teacher-assisted with last year. Every day I feel inadequate, a bit overwhelmed, and like I'll never be good enough at this job. But every day day I show up and we're making it. My kiddos are making progress and the feedback I'm receiving from higher-ups isn't terrible. So maybe sometimes leaning into faith looks like showing up and trusting God to provide for the day we're in.